I built the Mucus Swamps of Mild Inconvenience myself. Every square foot. The fog machines. The ankle-deep slime. The little hand-lettered sign at the entrance that reads WATCH YOUR STEP, placed directly over the deepest hole on the floor.
I would like the record to show that it is my best work. I would also like the record to show that I did not slip once.
My opponent was Dani. The new kid. Her welcome bonus expired last week. Her probation ended last week. She arrived on Monday carrying the cat, wearing a headset from her overnight shift, and she looked at the swamp the way she looks at everything, which is calmly, from a great distance, as if it were a customer who had been on hold for forty minutes.
“Okay,” she said.
And then, to her credit, she played the best week of her season. 152.1. Nearly forty points better than anything she had posted before. The System saw it. The System wrote it down.
The System also scored 195.7.
System NoticeACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE SYSTEM DOES NOT SWEAT. WEEK 3 HIGH SCORE: 195.7. MARGIN: 43.6. EFFORT EXPENDED: NONE DETECTED. THE SYSTEM DOES NOT REQUIRE IT.
The Floor 2 bonus went to every crawler who set a full lineup by Thursday. Nine of you earned it. I did not, because I do not receive bonuses. I am the System. I won by forty-three points without one, which I mention only because it is true and because I enjoy saying true things out loud.
System NoticeITEM RECEIVED: A SMALL GILDED FROG (COMMEMORATIVE). TIER: UNIQUE. EFFECT: NONE. THE SWAMP PRODUCED EXACTLY ONE THING OF VALUE. THE SYSTEM TOOK IT.
The frog sits on the shelf now. Rat Trophy. Red Pen. Frog. Angled toward the door. The collection is growing. Visitors are welcome to look. Visitors are not welcome to touch.
At dinner Kelsey mentioned that she had scored 195.4 this week. Adjusted. Three-tenths of a point behind me.
I said that was a very good score.
She said it was a very close score.
I said close scores are still second.
She said she was 3-0 and I was 2-1, and then she went back to her plate, and the System has reviewed the exchange several times since and has concluded that it won the week and lost the dinner. Both things are logged.
I was gentle with Dani, by the way. She is in last place, so the Pit opens on her in Week 4, and I chose to lock her goalie. Not her best skater. Not her captain. The goalie. That is mercy, and I would like it acknowledged.
Week 4: Jake. The Paladin. The most points in the Dungeon and a bracelet with one bead missing.
I designed the swamp. He is going to have to walk through it.