I built the Lobby of False Promises.
Of course I did. Velvet ropes. A chandelier made of discarded draft-day optimism. A banner over the entrance that reads WELCOME, CRAWLERS — EVERYONE IS A WINNER HERE, which is the first false promise on the floor, and which I hung personally, at an angle I am still proud of.
Ten crawlers came through the doors on Monday. Five of them left winners. The banner has not been updated. That is the point of the banner.
My first opponent was Matt.
He was not in the Lobby when I arrived. He was behind the concierge desk. Nobody had hired him. He was asking the goblin behind it whether the house took side action on the matchups, and the goblin was looking at me with the expression of a staff member who would like to speak to a manager. I am the manager.
Out of the chair.
“I’m consulting.”
You’re my opponent.
“That’s a conflict of interest for you, not me.”
I let that go. A champion picks his battles. I had already picked this one, and I had picked it to lose.
I want to be precise about what happened next, because the score will be repeated in group chats and the group chats will get it wrong. Matt scored 163.6. I scored 138.8. This was not a loss. It was a calibration. Every dungeon needs one crawler who believes, early, that the walls can be climbed. Morale matters. Hope matters. I selected Matt to carry it, because he is my assistant, and an assistant should be given small responsibilities to build his confidence.
My roster, the answer key, three gold of goaltending and all, performed exactly as designed. You may notice the design included losing. You may also notice the designer is very handsome. Both of these things are in the code.
System NoticeACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE SYSTEM WAS TESTING YOU. RECIPIENT: STEVEN. REWARD: NONE. THE SYSTEM HAS NO BENEFITS. THE SYSTEM HAS SOMETHING BETTER. THE SYSTEM HAS THE DATABASE PASSWORD.
Matt walked out with a sticky note. I let him write it himself. I wanted him to have the experience.
At dinner, Kelsey asked if I was okay. I said a defending champion is always okay. She said that was not what she asked. She had won her matchup by 1.6, and she asked it in the tone of someone who had won her matchup.
The Rat Trophy is still on the shelf. I checked. Twice.
Week 2: Vicky. I have read her file. I am neither Matt nor Mike, which means her passive stays holstered, which means for the first time this season she faces the System on equal terms.
They are not equal, Vicky. But they are the most anyone gets.