DRAFT STATUS: COMPLETE.
CRAWLERS WITH FULL ROSTERS: 10.
CRAWLERS WHO UNDERSTOOD WHAT THEY WERE DOING: FEWER.
Last night, ten crawlers walked out of the Tutorial Guild, down a corridor that smelled like wet copper, and into the Auction Hall.
Each of you was handed two hundred gold, a paddle, and the same warning I have been repeating since August. I also built the hall. And the benches. And the scoring system. And this website. I mention this only because none of you have.
Read the fucking rules.
Several of you did. It showed. Several of you did not. That showed more.
What follows is the official record. I have removed nothing. I have softened nothing. If you feel personally attacked, that is because you were, and I have receipts.
THE GOLD LEFT ON THE TABLE
Before we discuss who you bought, let us discuss what you failed to spend. This is an auction. Unspent gold does not come with you into the dungeon. It evaporates. It is gone. It was never yours.
THE BIG SPENDS
The single most expensive recruit in the hall was Connor McDavid, purchased by Kayla for $70. Thirty-five percent of her budget. One player. She then bought Kucherov for $55 and Werenski for $45, looked up from the viewing crystal, and discovered she had twelve gold left for twelve roster spots.
Twelve dollar-bin recruits. Twelve. Brad Marchand is on this team for one gold. Anders Lee is on this team for one gold. The Loot Goblins are four superstars and a bus full of guys who agreed to work for exposure.
The System is not saying this will fail. The System is saying it has never seen a roster shaped like a lollipop before.
Dani did something similar but with slightly better posture. Robertson $58. Pastrnak $57. Quinn Hughes $39. One hundred fifty-four gold on three names, then a $26 Kyle Connor, then a long, quiet stretch of $1 bids that included Steven Stamkos, Dougie Hamilton, and a goalie tandem that cost six dollars combined. She also never renamed her team. It is called “Dani.” The System respects the honesty.
I paid $60 for Macklin Celebrini, the best nineteen-year-old on the planet, and then acquired Juuse Saros for $2 and John Gibson for $1, which means the champion’s entire goaltending situation cost less than a sandwich and will outperform several of your $30 forwards. This is what it looks like when the person who designed the scoring system drafts inside it. Take notes. The team is called Growler Gary. Growler Gary is the avatar I wear when I want to be seen. I named my team after myself. This is not vanity. This is branding. Every other team in this hall is named after a player, a joke, or a sister. Mine is named after the entity that decides your scores.
Kelsey also paid $60, for Leon Draisaitl, three picks after I paid $60 for Celebrini, and I am told that hers has more assists. I would like the record to reflect that mine has more upside, more years, and a husband who runs the league. Her team name contains the word “parlays,” which is Matt’s word, and Matt has filed a complaint. I have not responded to the complaint. I live with her.
THE MACKINNON SITUATION
Nathan MacKinnon was the second name nominated in the entire auction.
He was purchased for $58 by Mike. The bear. BBL TRULY.
He was not purchased by Jake, whose team is named MacKinnon and Friends.
The System has reviewed the bidding log. Jake had $200 available at the time. Jake did not bid $59. Jake, who left $27 on the table at the end of the night, could have bid $85 and still filled his roster.
Jake instead assembled MacKinnon’s friends. Four of them. Kadri, Wedgewood, Blackwood, and Brock Nelson — every one of them wearing Colorado colors — plus Rantanen, who used to be MacKinnon’s friend and now lives in Dallas. The team is a support group for a man who is not in it.
The Regular Season Paladin has done it again. Formidable roster. Excellent budget discipline. And somewhere in the distance, the System swears it can already hear the playoff music.
THE VICKY PROBLEM
The System watched Vicky read the bottom of the recruitment board for an hour during registration. Quiet. Patient. Marking names nobody else was looking at.
She then walked into the Auction Hall and paid $49 for Kaprizov, $40 for Jack Hughes, $33 for Bouchard, and $32 for Eichel in the first fifteen nominations.
The System was prepared to call this a betrayal of her entire character.
Then she bought Sidney Crosby for $6. Connor Hellebuyck for $6. Sergei Bobrovsky for $1. Charlie McAvoy for $1.
The trap was real. She just set it after the shopping spree. Vicky’s Goal Digger spent every gold piece and somehow finished with two Vezina-caliber goalies and a first-ballot Hall of Famer for less than the price of Matt’s third-best forward. Both of her sons are on notice.
THE RESPONSIBLE ONES
Blake — Sewer Skaters — spent all $200, never paid more than $45 for anyone, and built a sixteen-man roster that looks like it was assembled by someone who read the rules, did a mock draft, and got a full night of sleep. Two Canadiens at the top, a $1 Gavin McKenna at the bottom, and no obvious mistakes. This is, as previously noted, very annoying.
Matt — Quasar’s Matt Trick — drafted Matt Boldy for $31 and Matthew Schaefer for $20, which with himself constitutes the promised Matt Trick, and then purchased Evgeni Malkin, Kris Letang, and Mason Marchment for one gold each like a man clearing out a garage sale. Fourteen players. Three gold left. The System is required to disclose that at no point did Matt read the projected values. He was reading the odds. There were no odds. He was reading them anyway.
Kyle — Draven The Rat Catcher — spent $100 on Cale Makar and Martin Necas before the auction was twenty nominations old, and then filled out the roster with a $1 John Tavares and a $1 Jacob Trouba. The cats approved. I would like to remind the league that this crawler finished dead last one season ago and still owes me a photograph. I have not forgotten. I have a folder ready. Naming your team “Rat Catcher” in a league run by rats is a choice. The Queen of the Rats has been informed.
THE RETIREMENT HOME
For one gold each, the following veterans were acquired last night: Malkin. Letang. Tavares. Stamkos. Marchand. Hedman. Trouba. Zegras is not a veteran but was also $2 and the System felt he belonged here spiritually.
This is either the smartest collection of value bids in league history or a group project on how goalies age. We will know by December.
OFFICIAL AUCTION RECORD
MOST EXPENSIVE RECRUIT: CONNOR McDAVID, $70 (KAYLA)
MOST EXPENSIVE ROSTER SHAPE: LOLLIPOP (KAYLA)
LARGEST UNSPENT BALANCE: $27 (JAKE)
TEAM NAME ACCURACY: 90% (SEE: MACKINNON AND FRIENDS)
BEST DOLLAR-BIN PURCHASE: SIDNEY CROSBY, $6 (VICKY)
STRUCTURAL DAMAGE TO AUCTION HALL: 23% (MIKE)
BEST-LOOKING ROSTER, OBJECTIVELY: GROWLER GARY (ME)
NUMBER OF THINGS I BUILT FOR YOU THIS OFFSEASON: ALL OF THEM
PARLAYS FORMED: 0 (MATT, NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING)
CATS PRESENT: TOO MANY (KYLE)
Rosters are locked. Week 1 matchups are set. The Tutorial is over.
The first floor is called The Lobby of False Promises, and every one of you walked in last night believing your roster was good.
Some of you are right.
I know which.
I am not telling.
But one of them is mine.
NEXT EVENT: FIRST PUCK DROP.
SET YOUR LINEUPS.
THE SYSTEM IS WATCHING. ALWAYS.